A Fuck It Ouroboros
In which in which in which in which in...
I’ve been around a while
And one thing I’ve noticed is that I really love picking a thing and keeping to it. Another thing I’ve noticed is that when I can’t keep to a thing, it falls into a void and tries to take me with it.
I stumbled into a pattern here at If This Is an Emergency, and I decided that it was The Way Things Should Be. That seemed reasonable, you know, considering that I’m my own boss or whatever.
That pattern was to write essays about my autism (diagnosis (feelings)), and then to write essays about other stuff, and then to maybe slide some poems or short stories in there, and, finally, to repeat. That was working out well for a while.
That is, until I’d gotten stuck on the “repeat” part of the pattern—until several weeks and then months had passed me by and I’d become increasingly anxious to write part two of a real haunter of an essay:
I’ve had a plan for how I would approach said sequel the entire time. The plan was to respond to this post by carmen_authenticallyadhd:
Shame and Guilt in AuDHD: Understanding and Managing Emotions
I (almost) can’t believe that I’m still frozen—that I’m still paralyzed by an assignment to respond to a post that was published on May 26, 2025. This is an assignment I gave to myself.
That was almost 10 months ago. If this were a pregnancy, it would be worryingly post term.
It is time to induce
I say that I “almost” can’t that believe I’m still frozen because I absolutely can believe that I’m still frozen. But let’s put a pin in that.
Here’s a quote from Carmen’s post:
Although shame and guilt can feel overwhelming, there are practical, evidence-informed steps that help lighten their hold. Importantly, these strategies are not about toxic positivity or ignoring challenges; they are about realistic self-care and understanding.
She then goes on to detail those strategies in useful bullet points. Near the end of the post, she offers this reassurance:
Over time, these efforts help rewrite the internal narrative from “I am broken” to “I am human, learning and growing”
Near the end of “Autism Feelings: The Hope of Unlocking My Anxiety and Depression (and the Fear of Failing to Do So), Part One” (AF:THOUMAAD(ATFOFTDS),P1), I wrote:
Some days, I believe that if I can just more deeply understand my autism or more fully come to terms with it, then the mostly manageable forever fires of anxiety and depression will begin to die down. Most days, though, I don’t believe that.
In other words, “I am broken. I am not human. I am not learning and growing.”
Some days, my AuDHD combo burrito feels like I am essentially, clinically, tragically, endlessly “committed to the bit”.
It feels like I have Chronic Fuck-up Disorder—merely that and nothing more.
If I had ever gotten around to writing AF:THOUMAAD(ATFOFTDS),P2, here’s what I had intended to say:
Carmen writes well-informed and highly informative articles about ADHD and ASD
They almost always feel like they’ve been written specifically for me / at me / to me
However, each time she gets to the “strategies” part of a given article, I think, “I hate who I am, and I can never change, and so these strategies are probably not for me”
Each time she offers something humane and helpful like, “I am human, learning and growing,” I think, “I am not, not and not”
That’s it. That is all.
That was my grand plan for AF:THOUMAAD(ATFOFTDS),P2: to state those four bullet points and to then extrapolate—to commit to that particular bit whether or not I or anyone else was eager for me to follow through. That’s what I struggled to do for so long.
The irony of not writing AF:THOUMAAD(ATFOFTDS),P2 for nearly ten months due to obsessive, self-brutalizing task paralysis was not lost on me. In fact, via Carmen, I’ve learned a great deal about AuDHD and task paralysis:
So what happened after I published AF:THOUMAAD(ATFOFTDS),P1?
I tried waiting, just waiting
I published a few unrelated posts
I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia (something I have very much wanted to write about but haven’t because I’ve felt awful that I haven’t come back to this haunting task that predates it)
I’ve been up and down and up and down again on the twin roller coasters of Anxiety and Depression
The world has continued to fall the fuck apart
I was laid the fuck off
I stopped publishing altogether
And as time has continued to pass, having stopped has become its own reason not to begin again—a fuck it Ouroboros
And, anyway, here we are
I needed this. A palate cleanser. Permission from my boss—me—to not write AF:THOUMAAD(ATFOFTDS),P2 and to never look back.
Is this essay one of my best? No, I don’t think so.
Frankly, it’s more of an update from Management than an essay. But at least I’m free of the task. The AuDHD snake has released it’s own tail. We’re safe. For now.
Here’s the real update
I’m putting the Autism Feelings series into quasi-retirement. I suppose that this post is technically an installment of that series. Whether or not it proves to be the final installment, time will tell.
I’d written myself into a corner. I may add to the series in some distant future if the mood strikes, but I’d much rather explore other ideas right now.
Say it with me:
Although shame and guilt can feel overwhelming, there are practical, evidence-informed steps that help lighten their hold. Importantly, these strategies are not about toxic positivity or ignoring challenges; they are about realistic self-care and understanding.
Thank you carmen_authenticallyadhd, sincerely.
I’m proud of you for doing something good for yourself and writing this post instead of that post. If it makes you feel any better, four years ago I posted a video to my YouTube channel called “I Raised 23 Tamagotchis at Once Pt. 1” and I have never made part two. Or posted anything else to my channel since.